Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
