we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
