a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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