he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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