I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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