You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
