Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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