Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
