Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
