We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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