ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
