I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
