I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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