somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
