Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
A bitchslap is in order.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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