There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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