i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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