I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
