You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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