If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
