We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
