Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
