Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
