Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize