Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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