Apparently you make a good broom.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
