I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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