you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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