you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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