i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
