I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
