that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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