pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Watching her eat just hurts me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
