hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
