u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
