My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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