You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
