"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
