remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
