So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize