Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
someone threw a dead crab at me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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