there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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