Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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