Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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