I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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