Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
