i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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