Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
