Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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