I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
