She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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