We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Drake has all the answers
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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