If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
