Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
