I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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