She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
