i want to swaddle you in tequila
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
