You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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