You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
