In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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