I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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