Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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