Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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