I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
