do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
