I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
