the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
